


Meatball

by Voruto_Son_of_Boruto



Series: Meatball [1]
Category: Naruto
Genre: ALL THE CRACK, Bad Writing, Crack, Gen, I play fast and loose, I'm Sorry, Maybe some angst, White Trash AU, also, also some unexpected angst, and other shit, because how can you write a naruto fanfic and not have angst???, because why not?, but a fixit hidden by really bad writing, i'm not really sorry, it's kind of a fixit?, no beta read, there might also be guns
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-17
Updated: 2018-10-30
Packaged: 2019-06-28 21:34:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 2,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15715509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Voruto_Son_of_Boruto/pseuds/Voruto_Son_of_Boruto
Summary: The adventures of Meatball Rhodes and his friends!





	1. Character List

Since almost all characters are renamed in this AU, I will regularly update a character list for the reader’s convenience. Enjoy!

Naruto Uzumaki-->Meatball Rhodes  
Sakura Haruno-->Magnolia Harris  
Sasuke Uchiha→Nicholas Smith  
Iruka → Irwin  
Third Hokage → Mister Man III  
Mizuki → Malcolm  
Konohamaru → Keegan  
Kakashi → Darren  
Shino → Sawyer  
Kiba → Toby  
Akamaru → Rex  
Hinata → Helen White  
Kurenai → Ruby  
Choji → Grant  
Shikamaru → Hunter  
Ino → Sky  
Asuma → Bill  
Neji → Neil White  
Rock Lee → Valentine  
Ten Ten → Annie  
Guy→ Guy


	2. Prologue

Narrator Voice: So, I’m sure y’all’ve heard of the Great White Possum that used to live in this here-around-parts. Well, I reckon about twelve years ago, that Great White Possum attacked this here Ninjaville and was just a-pesterin’ the Mister Man at the time...oh I think he was the Fourth Mister Man of Ninjaville. But anyway, that there Great White Possum was just eatin’ all the fruit and his big ole tail was wreckin’ them buildings. All the guns in the world couldn’ pierce his thick white coat. So Mister Man did some big art and put that Great White Possum into some babe. The Fourth Mister Man died an’ left the Third Mister Man in charge and who knows what happened to that babe?


	3. Graduation

       “Ugh… I can’t believe I failed the seventh grade test again…” Meatball groaned as his homeroom teacher Irwin passed him the plate of spaghetti.

  
       “I told you that you should have studied algebra more, Meatball!” Irwin smiled warmly at his student. He felt somewhat responsible for this little kid...especially since his parents had up and disappeared when he was born. Of course the Third Mister Man had done his best to care for Meatball Rhodes (AN: Had he though??), but the kid was pretty rambunctious and certainly did not make it easy. And most adults in Ninjaville knew that Naruto had that Great White Possum stuck inside him so they tended to tread lightly (and scornfully) around him.

  
       “Well, hopefully this time I can get it right!” Meatball mumbled through a mouth full of spaghetti.

 

 

_The Next Day_  
     “Hey Meatball, the other teachers keep the seventh grade math answer book on the desk in the resource room,” Malcolm was a senior in the local high school who was volunteering to tutor the younger kids.

  
     “Wait, really?” Meatball perked up, “I could just look at how they solved each problem and you could help me study for the test better!”  
Before Malcolm could say anything, Meatball ran off to go find the math book.

 

 

_A Few Hours Later_  
     “OK Malcolm, I got it!” Meatball waved the book over his head triumphantly. Malcolm grinned to himself.

  
     “Thanks Meatball,” he said, reaching for the book.

  
     “Malcolm, what did you get Meatball to do?” Irwin suddenly appeared out of nowhere.

  
     “Er, I was just going to help him with his math!” Malcolm shuffled his feet.

  
     “I see you found the answer book to the seventh grade math classes… Were you going to post them online?” Meatball stared at Malcolm in horror.

  
     “I thought you were just going to help me learn the steps so I could pass the test!!” Meatball looked betrayed.

  
     “Well, if the kid with the Great White Possum stole the book and disappeared with it, no one would have found out it was me… It would have been the perfect crime and I would have made money selling those answers.”

  
     “G-Great White Possum?” Meatball gasped. Irwin sighed. Before he could say anything, however, Meatball ran off leaving him to deal with Malcolm. Malcolm turned to look after Meatball but then groped in his pocket and pulled out a switch blade: jumping at Irwin with a snarl. Irwin, easily deflected the blade, but the large high schooler was easily as strong as he was.

  
     Meanwhile, Meatball hid behind a fence, listening to the two men fighting. The Great White Possum was in him? Maybe that’s why everyone thought he was going to steal from them or bite them. Did Irwin think he was going to steal? He looked down at the book he was still holding. He had stolen. At this rate, he was going to flunk out of school all together. He heard Irwin’s voice gasping for breath.

  
     “I know you and the other people living in Ninjaville think he can be used or is just a useless tool, but I really think he has promise!”

  
Meatball stared straight ahead. Startled. He knew Irwin believed in him...but to hear it from the horses mouth himself… He stood up, clasping the book in his arms. He stepped out from behind the fence and strode towards where Irwin and Malcolm were fighting. Luckily he had the element of surprise, using the book as a club and wacked Malcolm over the head. As Irwin stood up, wiping a split lip, Meatball thrust the book towards Irwin.

  
“I’msorryIshouldn’thavedonethat!!” He almost yelled. “I Don’t want to be thought of as that kid that steals everything.”

  
Irwin looked a bit startled. But then reached out, gently took the book and patted Meatball on the head.

  
“Congratulations Meatball, because of your honesty and willingness to learn from your mistakes, you’ve officially graduated seventh grade.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (So yeah, sorry it's so quickly written and kind of sloppy. This was a weird idea that came up in a discord chat and I decided to write it because it was too funny not to share. I hope you enjoy this Re-writing of the Naruto we all love, but with a White-Trash twist)


	4. Keegan

      Upon graduating seventh grade, Meatball had to get a new ID photo taken. Of course, he decided to nab his next door neighbors make up and applied it in a horrendous fashion: probably in an attempt to look like a vampire or something. The Third Mister Man was frustrated (AN: Maybe you should have invested more in childcare, hm?) and decided to tell Meatball how frustrated he was with him.

 

     “Now Meatball, you know that you will eventually have to get a job, right?”

 

     Meatball, who had been squirming around in his chair, sighed dramatically, “But Mister Man, it’ll show how unique I am!”

 

     “Meatball…” Mister Man began...but before he could finish, Meatball threw a stack of photos at him. You see, Meatball had a bad habit. Collecting (stealing?) adult magazines that were delivered to his neighbors mailboxes and clipping some of the stranger pictures and putting them in envelopes. These envelopes he carried everywhere and whenever he wanted to avoid a conversation, would throw these stacks of lewd images at unsuspecting victims. This was usually an effective distraction.

 

     Today, it was just as effective as normal, until a random third grader hopped in through the window and fell on his face as he attempted to jump the Third Mister Man. Meatball quickly grabbed him and ran down the hall as the Third Mister Man spluttered and yelled for Meatball to come back. Once they were a bit away from the main building, Meatball set the third grader down. 

     “What’s the big idea, brat?” Meatball glowered at the kid. 

     “I was gonna ask the same of you! Also, the names Keegan. You should use it.” 

     “Keegan, eh?” Meatball smirked, “That’s a dweeby name. Mine’s Meatball and I’m going to become the next Mister Man in Ninjaville!”

     “Pfffft. With a name like Meatball?! No way! I’m gonna become the next Mister Man!” Keegan puffed with pride. Meatball smirked. 

     “You know I’m older than you Keegan~,” Meatball sing-songed as he skipped away to raid his neighbors mailboxes again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit short... I'm trying to get to the Main Arcs as soon as possible. Next chapter y'all are gonna get to meet Nicholas Smith, Magnolia Harris, and Darren! >:3 Plus I'll introduce the rest of Meatballs classmates! :)


	5. Tutor Group Number 7

     Now in Ninjaville, once the kids pass seventh grade, they are assigned to a group of two other students and an older teacher--which is supposed to help them further their individual skills. Plus they can get work that way (something about bypassing child labor laws and all that). So that morning, Meatball and his other classmates gathered in their homeroom classroom to wait their assignments.

 

     Now, ever since he was a toddler, Meatball had a rival. Nicholas Smith. Nicholas Smith was considered the smartest, most attractive student in the whole school. He was also a dick to anyone and everyone. Of course, his good looks, smarts,  _ and _ douchebaggery were enough to make girls swoon. Today, though, Meatball decided to have a contest of wills. He jumped up on Nicholas’ desk and caught him in a staring contest. Nicholas would never admit it, but the fact that he willingly participated in such contests maybe revealed a bit of a friendly side.

 

     While the other students filed in, a small crowd of girls crowded around the staring contest, cheering on Nicholas. The student who sat down in front of Nicholas, was arguing with his friend, unaware of his surroundings and accidentally bumped Meatball. Pushing Meatball and Nicholas into a kiss. The girls screeched and the two boys (Meatball and Nicholas) pushed themselves apart in disgust and started yelling at each other.

 

     Just as it appeared that their verbal fight would turn physical, Irwin entered and called the class to attention. He explained the team system and started calling names. Sawyer, Toby (and his assistance dog Rex), and Helen White were teamed up. Grant, Hunter, and Sky were also teamed up. Finally Neil White, Valentine, and Annie were called from the room. This left Meatball and Nicholas glaring at each other, plus one of the fangirls screaming at Meatball. Irwin sighed.

 

     “Meatball Rhodes! Nicholas Smith! Magnolia Harris!” He yelled, snapping them out of their original focus. “You three are paired up and will meet your teacher tomorrow at 8 AM.” 


	6. A Test?!?! (Part 1)

     Meatball woke up at 7:50 AM and rushed out to meet his classmates at the designated meeting location. Magnolia and Nicholas were already there. However, the teacher had not arrived yet. Magnolia looked down at her watch.

 

     “Meatball! You’re even earlier than our teacher! It’s 8:10,” she glanced lovingly towards Nicholas. “Or course Nicholas was on time!”

 

     Nicholas just stared vacantly into space.

 

     “Hey Hey! Nicholas, are you gonna fall for the forced heterosexual plotline? Or are we gonna make out again?” Meatball shouted in Nicholas’ ear, causing both Nicholas and Magnolia to wince.

 

     Before Meatball could continue haranguing Nicholas, there was a loud bang and all three students looked up to see an older man in the teacher’s uniform standing in the doorway.

 

     “Yo! Sorry I’m late, I ate a bad burrito at Taco Bell and well, y’know....” He had one eye and that eye slowly panned over each of them. “You lot don’t look very impressive.” He took out a notebook and stared at it for a few moments. The three students watched him, unsure of what was going on. Their new teacher made some clicking sounds with his tongue and peered at them then back at the notebook. Finally after what seemed like hours, he shut the notebook with a snap.

 

     “So all three of you are Meatball Rhodes, Nicholas Smith, and Magnolia Harris? OK, would you all introduce yourselves?”

 

     Magnolia piped up, “What should we say? Also you haven’t introduced yourself yet…”

 

     Their teacher sighed. “Well, it would probably take a whole television series to introduce me but I’ll just leave it at my name and likes or dislikes. I’m Darren Hall, but call me Mr. Darren please…. Now, Meatball.”

 

     “You didn’t tell us your likes or dislikes--” Magnolia began but was cut off by Meatball.

 

     “I’m Meatball Rhodes. I  _ love _ spaghetti, the more sauce the better! Oh! And I’m gonna be the next Mr. Man of Ninjaville!” Mr. Darren looked at Magnolia.

 

     “I-I’m Magnolia Harris and I really like cute boys with dark hair,” she looked sideways at Nicholas, “I would love to marry one of them someday.”

 

     “...You’re a bit too young to be thinking about marriage Magnolia,” Mr. Darren gently chided. “And Nicholas?”

 

     “My name is Nicholas Smith and I dislike a lot of things. I also want to kill a certain man in the future.”

 

     Meatball, Magnolia, and Mr. Darren stared at Nicholas.

 

     “ _ I need to get these kids in to see a therapist ASAP, _ ” Mr. Darren thought. But said, “OK you three, that’s enough for today, meet in the abandoned soccer field same time tomorrow!” With that he disappeared.


	7. A Test?!?! (Part 2)

The next morning, Meatball, Nicholas, and Magnolia met up at the old abandoned soccer field. There had once been a soccer team in Ninjaville. However, the two rival teams eventually got bored and assimilated into Ninjaville. Now, they were so focused on child labor and politics that there wasn’t much time for soccer or other games.

 

Mr. Darren was, once again, three hours late. “I drank some bad Teavana Tea and may have gotten a staph infection…”

 

Once they had settled down, their teacher gestured out at the field and then pointed at some furrows and grooves in the ground. “So there’s a family of two badgers living in the field. They’ve been threatening passerby and the gardeners, so for your final test, you have to catch them (unharmed) and we’ll take them to animal control. Here are the two cages.” With that, he hopped out of the vicinity and lounged on a nearby bench with a book.

 

Nicholas stepped backwards with a huff. “Well, there are two badgers so you and Magnolia can probably do it just fine.” Mr. Darren, who  _ was _ in fact watching, frowned to himself.

 

“I personally think we should team up,” Magnolia simpered, sliding towards Nicholas.

 

Meatball glowered, “But there are only three of us! I vote we each spend ten minutes trying to catch them and alternate….?” Both Magnolia and Nicholas stared at him and all at once started yelling at him and at each other.

 

“That’s the dumbest idea I’ve ever heard,” Mr. Darren was suddenly behind them. “It’s been fifteen minutes and you haven’t moved a bit. At this point, I might as well just send you back to school! I’ll give you a hint. To catch the badgers you can use your I’s.”

 

“We gotta be blindfolded?!” Meatball stared aghast. Nicholas, Magnolia, and Mr. Darren stared back at him. Mr. Darren sighed and went back to reading. Magnolia looked thoughtful and was mouthing “you can’t use your I’s” to herself over and over. Nicholas looked lost.

 

“Oh!” Magnolia gasped. “Mr. Darren didn’t mean eyes! He mean I’s as in the letter! My cousin is always lecturing his employees how there’s no ‘I’ in Team!”

 

Meatball looked excited, “So we gotta team up and catch the badgers!” He looked triumphantly at Nicholas who stared back at them disappointed. He did not feel like working with these two: they were annoying. He glanced over at Mr. Darren and the teacher just winked at him. Nicholas sighed and followed as Magnolia and Meatball started hunting badgers.

 

A few sweaty and grueling hours later, all three students (covered in mud, scratches, and hair), gathered around two cages triumphantly. Mr. Darren looked down at them proudly and reinforced their good teamwork.


End file.
